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Literature Text
Eudemonic now, experience weaves
Itself into tapestries, edges fraying with time.
Unravelling, unfurling, the delicate buds of springtime
In gentle discord withering, but naught perceives
How their soft nodding grows weary;
Such sacrifice amongst all, self lost
To the whole, threads bound and crossed –
So hastily knotted – eyes raw, fingers bleary.
Itself into tapestries, edges fraying with time.
Unravelling, unfurling, the delicate buds of springtime
In gentle discord withering, but naught perceives
How their soft nodding grows weary;
Such sacrifice amongst all, self lost
To the whole, threads bound and crossed –
So hastily knotted – eyes raw, fingers bleary.
I've been encouraged to post another one of my works...
The perception of time is strange and trying to study for my final exam is so difficult.
Yeats Octave - an eight line verse that was used prolifically by William Butler Yeats. The rhyme scheme is abbacddc.
Critiques are more than welcome!
(c) autumnicity
The perception of time is strange and trying to study for my final exam is so difficult.
Yeats Octave - an eight line verse that was used prolifically by William Butler Yeats. The rhyme scheme is abbacddc.
Critiques are more than welcome!
(c) autumnicity
© 2015 - 2024 autumnicity
Comments10
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Overall
Vision Originality Technique ImpactHello there! This is a CRITMAS critique!
<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="210" title="Bullet; Red"/> ST = Stanza<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="210" title="Bullet; Red"/> L = LinePlease note that all this is my opinion, and not necessarily cold hard fact. Please feel free to regard or disregard at your will.
I'm glad I got to come back to this piece with fresh eyes and read it again. It's a definite fave and I am freshly struck by your word choice and rhymes.
Word Choice:
You start off with a word that I didn't know, and still have to look up now. I like it when my vocabulary is challenged and you certainly have done that. Is it a word you use frequently? How did you come across it and when else have you had the opportunity of using it?
Rhyme:
Your rhyme comes across as really natural. The only thing that bugs me, specifically because of the natural quality of the others, and the word choice, is the time/springtime rhyme. I feel that rhyming time and time in a poem of such exquisite rhyming and words actually lets the poem down a bit. As if the poem itself had expectations of the author and now it's been disappointed in a way. I know that sounds silly, but it's a thought.
Punctuation:
I like that you have punctuated this. Many poets don't punctuate, and, while I do respect their choice, I don't necessarily like it. Good punctuation goes hand in hand with the ability to read the poem, either aloud or mentally, as the punctuation shows where to pause and breathe.
One thing about the punctuation that I dislike is that you have one 'sentence' because you only place a period after the last line. Perhaps consider placing another after 'time' or, if that doesn't sit right, after 'weary' (though I do enjoy the semi-colon there).
I also enjoy the enjambment. You have used it well and the sentences are really natural when read that way.
Form:
Out of all the DFC forms for this year the Yeats Octave remains a firm fave of mine. I think because there are no syllabic or metric restrictions, just the rhyme.
You have executed the form very well, and I think that stopping after one ST was a wise choice because another would have made it too much.
Overall:
I really liked this piece and am glad I got the opportunity to critique it.
Merry Critmas <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/g/g…" width="17" height="15" alt="
" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="100" title="Giggle"/>Jo